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Rayn - Prologue by =Ratzer:iconRatzer:





At the very peak of the Galandi Company stood a girl in her late teens, a furious wind made her light brown hair whip the air. Either side of her body, her hands dripped blood. Eyes, a deep red, stared out and watched the sunset in the distance. The wind's fury made her black and white striped shirt plaster itself against her angelic body and her blue jeans seemed barely able to keep themselves intact, ripped and torn everywhere, the soft skin of her legs was clearly visible through dead material.

“Hold it right there!” Shouted a male voice standing behind her, she smiled gently on the ledge of the building and with military precision, calculated the distance from her to the ground. “Thought you could get away with this didn’t you?” the stranger spat, a bitter tang of humour edged in his voice, excited about the victory. “What the hell is going on?"

The girl spoke with not one but two voices, the voice of an innocent girl and the other, the deep tone of a man filled with malice.
“My intentions are simple” she said gently.
“Simple?” He croaked,
“Well look around”.
The man edged his eyes from corner to corner; the gun that he clasped between his dirt clogged fingernails remained focused on the girl. Dead bodies of friends, co-workers and security guards lay scattered around him. Each eye cried to him, wide open, staring as though scared into a horrible death. “And what about it?” he spattered in an attempt to stay strong. The man wore a blue cotton shirt with black pin striped pants and polished black shoes, the basic work uniform of the lower class workers in the Galandi Company. Each armpit was patched with sweat and his ear length black hair hugged his face. The gun no longer remained steady and sure of its target. “All I want is your life, it’s not that important to you is it?” She sang merrily, spinning round to face him in what seemed like a dance. She tilted her head to the side, like a puppy in deep thought, and stared at him for a number of moments, her teeth visible behind a huge smile.
“Why have you killed so many?
A childish giggle escaped from the child, “I’m cleansing the world is all, you must all die for your sins” as the last syllable left her mouth the girl gently raised her right hand. Blood still dripped from the tips of her fingers. Her palm saluted the sun and her wrist carefully rested upon her bottom lip. In the centre of her hand, a silver ball bearing lay at rest. As she curled her lips the man’s hands slowly fell beside his body and gun fell from his fingers and clattered to the rooftop. Gently she blew at the ball bearing in her palm and it blasted away from her at bullet speed, straight through the centre of the man’s head. Breathing back in, she raised her head to the heavens and the bearing altered its course, flying back and bursting through the man's chest. Eyes wide, the man fell to his knees and then, with one last breath of air, he fell face first to the ground. Inches from the girls breasts, the ball bearing hovered in the air. Raising her right hand she gently took the ball bearing and placed it in a small metal container about the size of a cigarette packet. She then placed it in her pocket and giggled heartily.

BOOM! The exit door at the top of the building flew from its rusted hinges with an almighty crash, giving birth to a team of ten geared up policemen. They charged the rooftop with instinctive, well practiced movements, kneeled in a line in the centre of the rooftop and aimed their guns at their target.

“Fire at will!” screamed the commanding officer from behind them. Each shot bathed the men in light as the bullet soared from the barrel of the gun, flying through the air, then falling as it was pulled down to the ground in front of the girl by an invisible barrier. As each man blasted his final bullet, and the gun clicked to signal its emptiness, the girl began to smile once again. A silver pile of bullets lay on the ground, separating her and the men. As each man threw their empty cartridge to the ground and began to reload their gun, the girl raised her hands out to her sides as though crucified. At that instant the world was bathed orange as the sun just began to finally set behind her. She fell, without fear of the consequences, backwards from the top of the building, in mid motion clicking her fingers. The pile of bullets exploded in a fury engulfing the men in flames and shattering windows as it rushed over the sides of the building, all the while the girl fell to the ground, debris racing past her. Her hair brushed the windows of the building as she neared the pavement. Five meters from the ground the girl spread her legs shoulder width apart and screamed. A giant bubble of strange energy surrounded her, outlined with a golden surface, completely clear yet so bright that it hurt the eyes. The ground and the wall of the building caved in around the sphere and with an almighty push, the girl hurtled down an almost never-ending street and out of sight.
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Submitted: May 11, 2008
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Author's Comments

This is what made me get onto deviant art again. My friend inspired me to edit this thoroughly today. Its a huge idea of mine and i would like to continue to write a whole book based on this storyline. This is the prologue.

Feel free to criticise

I hope you enjoy, i felt like writing something in the fantasy genre!

Updates* (an hour later)

hahahaha! forgot to fix something!

12/05/2008**

Thanks to a very helpful comment i now fixed some small errors in my writing :)

15/06/2008**

Seperated a part of the text so there is now another paragraph. Also removed some lines, but that is not important.

4/10/2008**

Mega fat edit. Lots of changed, i read through the whole thing, i finished school, so i am going to focus on this hardcore. I am now fully intent on chapter 1
[x]

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Comments


i said i'd criticise something... and i have to say i'm happy i read this! its actually brilliant! its epic and your description is perfect, some great images in there (quite like final fantasy)! not once did i get confused about what was happening which i usually do! haha!! i love the main character, so creapy and scary because you know she's powerful! reminds me a bit of Akira if ypu'v ever seen that... anyway do continue with this, i'l read it and your other stuff!

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my thread....Forums > deviantART > Suggestions [link]
lets get it going!
Thank you so much! it helps alot to continue the story when i get such wonderful comments!!!

THANK YOU :D

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Its you and me against the world... when do we attack!?
"The winds" should be The wind's"

Breathing back in, she raised her head to the heavens, the ball bearing altered its course, flying back and bursting through the man's chest. Eyes wide, the man fell to his knees and then with one last breath of air, he fell face first to the ground. Inches from the girls breasts, the bearing hovered in the air. Raising her right hand she gently took the ball bearing and placed it in a small metal container about the size of a cigarette packet. She then placed it in her pocket and giggled heartily.


Just a few misplaced apostrophes

Otherwise, it's a great story

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[insert witty signature here]
Thnk you!!!! hehe, that helps alot!

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Its you and me against the world... when do we attack!?
Hm, I like it. Your making her appear very devil-like. Her ability to control minds, objects, falling down into the ground. It's interesting for sure, and her appearance and attire makes it more interesting, like she is a normal girl, but not. :aww:

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"Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she's a photographer. Ooh, you took a black-and-white picture of a lawn chair and its shadowed and developed at Save-On. You must be so brooding and deep."

[link] click me!
Thank you!!! :D

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Its you and me against the world... when do we attack!?
Thank you :D

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Its you and me against the world... when do we attack!?
You have great dramatic description in this story. It seems like a good story but the lack of paragraph breaks made it hard for me to read. Most of those big blocky paragraphs have about three different main ideas in them and should be broken down more.

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Pimping jewelery for a friend: [link]
Thnk you, ill go have a look over it :D

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Its you and me against the world... when do we attack!?

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